To Answer or Not to Answer, That is the Question!

The heart of the righteous studies how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours forth evil.

Proverbs 15:28

This is the second article1 in a series of articles written to exhort you, Gracious Reader, to guard (keep) your heart and to provide tools for doing so. The verse above focuses on this article. The delivery of timely words that give grace according to the need of the moment2 requires study, discipline and forethought whereas evil flows freely from the spontaneous, ill-prepared and careless remark. The one who controls the tongue reveals a spiritual maturity and self-control.3 When describing somebody who lacks this maturity or self-control, Chuck often used the phrase “Ready, fire, aim!” often applying it to the apostle Peter. 
“I put my foot in my mouth” is a more common colloquialism. Consider:

If anyone does not stumble in word, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle the whole body.

James 3:2b

The words of the Bible are inspired by the Holy Spirit and provide relevant and righteous advice for making our daily decisions and taking acceptable actions.

All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness.

2 Timothy 3:16

Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.

Colossians 4:6

He who guards his mouth preserves his life but he who opens wide his lips shall have destruction.

Proverbs 13:3

This list of verses is short and inadequate for the innumerable verses in the Bible addressing our words. Other verses surely come to mind. If you have a verse you want to be considered in a future article, please email the author at the email address at the end of this article. I picked these three verses from the long list of candidates as each has a practical and immediate tone. “Instruction in righteousness.” “Always be with grace.” Words can “preserve life” or produce “destruction.”

The following two verses from the book of Proverbs influenced the title above.

Do not answer a fool according to his folly, lest you also be like him. Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own eyes.

Proverbs 26:4-5

Well which is it? I am grateful that these verses are consecutive and I can avoid digging for context or nuance. No need for extensive cross referencing or comparing the authors or the audiences. This is a single coherent thought and any contradiction is an illusion. The author must be trying to say something for it would be absurd to think either author – the human or the Holy – would be so confused.

The second phrase in each sentence offers one explanation. A hasty and poorly reasoned answer can make the responder sound as foolish as the original. The celebrated humorist (and author) Mark Twain gets credit for the following cautionary remark. Here are three versions:

1. Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience!
2. Never argue with stupid people because they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
3. Never argue with a fool; onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.

And yet a silence can leave with the speaker the impression that the spoken words have weight and merit. There is a sense that whoever gets in the last word wins the debate. Response is recommended to avoid any victory through silence or acquiescence.

As surely as one coin has two sides that are connected yet different, the passage has two connected parts. A failure to respond might leave your antagonist with a feeling of victory or validation. Stunned speechlessness can be confused with a successful speech. Many social media posts never end with a back-and-forth as tedious to follow as a ping pong ball in play. As a matter of practice on social media, I take a one-and-done approach – one post and leave it at that. When responding to your emails, I usually try to respond in equal measure to the number sent.

In considering this passage, I realize there is another dynamic contained within them. If we overlay two simple phrases, we can see the wisdom in speaking in certain situations and refraining in others. I recommend as one of the tools in your conversational toolbox is the following perspective. “Maybe I don’t know. Maybe they don’t know.” I don’t know everything the other has experienced or is experiencing. And their statement likely comes from a place where they lack sufficient information or background about me. If this is perspective – “Maybe I don’t know. Maybe they don’t know.” – is infused in daily conversations, grace and understanding rule the exchange.

I offer the following illustrations:

1. While driving in downtown traffic several years ago, a car recklessly and speedily passed where overtaking was prohibited. Some in the car wanted me to honk. One wanted me to pursue. I said, “Maybe the driver is dealing with something that we don’t know. Let’s not rush to anger or criticism.” We were headed in the same direction, and eventually, I saw where the car was parked. It was in front of the local veterinarian’s office. 
   I saw a man running into the office carrying his dog. Ah, 
   now I knew something about the situation and realized why the driver traveled at high speed and with disregard for traffic protocol and rules. And I heard a voice from the back seat, “If it was my dog, I would have done the same thing.”
2. On another occasion, I took my family shopping after supper, and a reckless car drove by, which was very similar to the previous situation. I hit the high beams and saw first the red brake lights and then the white backup lights. The driver was coming my way. As he approached my car, I recognized him as a former student. As I rolled down the window I said, “Hi Wade!” His jaw dropped as he realized I recognized him, and he had no idea who I was. Once he saw my face, the entire incident transformed. He attended a local community college, and he had a bad day, culminating in a poor test performance. His aggressive driving was a result of his emotional energy. 
   He appreciated a familiar and kind person, and after we prayed together, he continued home.

“Maybe I don’t know. Maybe they don’t know.” Today’s society is quick to criticize (and even to cancel) without adequate information. Jumping to conclusions is the norm; giving the benefit of the doubt is vanishing. We keep our hearts by considering whether or not to answer or react to the words or actions of another.

Heavenly Father, may this article be used by Your Holy Spirit to conform us more and more into the image of Your Son. May we know when to keep silent and may we know when to flip over the tables. In JESUS’ precious name. Amen.

The author invites your comments and suggestions at chrisc@khouse.org.